A Differentiated Self

The family therapist Murray Bowen believed that life is a struggle between two competing forces: individuality and togetherness. As we grow, we gain greater autonomy. We learn to walk. We go to school. We get a driver's license. However, we never stop depending on others for food, shelter, emotional support, and health care. Many of us leave our families of origin to start new families with tight bonds of togetherness.

Bowen called the balance between individuality and togetherness differentiation of the self.  A well-differentiated person honors his/her need for others but does not let that need overpower their own need for autonomy. They can take a stand while remaining in a relationship with people who disagree with them.

A poorly differentiated person may act like a chameleon, changing beliefs and opinions just to fit in. Or, that person may be a bully. He or she may demand and coerce conformity from others. Either way, a poorly differentiated person struggles to maintain a sense of self in the presence of differences. 

Bowen's model is secular, not religious, but I am struck by how Jesus exhibited differentiation of self in his earthly ministry. Jesus was comfortable alone or in groups. You could find him in the homes of well-respected Pharisees and in the homes of social outcasts. In either place, his message was the same. "Repent." "Follow me."

None of us are Jesus, which means that we all struggle to differentiate ourselves. Maybe we can remain clear-headed and thoughtful at work, even when an atmosphere of groupthink fills the office, but when we go home for Thanksgiving, we present a false self to our parents because the emotional ties that bind us to them are too strong to resist. 

Bowen thought that most people are about as differentiated as their parents ("the iniquity of the fathers is visited on the children", Exodus 20:5). But he also thought that we can become more differentiated when we begin to know the difference between acting out of anxiety and acting thoughtfully. This is a form of "(transformation) by the renewing of our minds" (Rom. 12:2). 

Seminary Dean and Christian Educator Israel Galindo offers these examples of differentiated choices: 

• If you must choose between feelings and principles, choose principles. 
• If you must choose between convenience and doing the right thing, do the right thing. 
• If you must choose between someone's happiness and doing the ethical thing, do the ethical thing. 
• If you must choose between your values and a relationship, choose your values. 
• If you must choose between what is expedient and what is right, do the right thing. 
• If you must choose between what someone wants, and what is best for the system (the family, church, business, etc.), choose what is best for the system.