Triangles

Last week I was in Boston for a continuing education event in which we use Bowen Family Systems Theory to reflect on our role as pastoral leaders. Murray Bowen was a pioneer of family therapy, and a student of Bowen’s, Rabbi Edwin Friedman, applied Bowen’s model to leadership in secular organizations and religious communities. Bowen’s theory has eight concepts, and I’d like to introduce you to one that we all are familiar with: triangles.

Imagine a newly married couple. They’re smitten with each other. When they aren’t snuggling on the sofa watching Netflix, they’re gazing into each other’s eyes. After couple of months of this, one of them exclaims, “Let’s get a puppy!” The other one says, “Yes!” And the family grows from two to three.

Couples, like two-legged stools, are unstable. Two people can’t bear all that emotional energy on their own. So, a third person, or in this case, a pet, is “triangled in” to help bear the weight. A three-legged stool is more stable than a two-legged stool. 

Some triangles are structural. Two parents and a child, for instance. The Presbyterian triangle of pastor, session, and congregation is another structural triangle. These triangles just exist.

An emotional triangle, on the other hand, comes into being when there is conflict or anxiety between two parties, and a third party is brought in to stabilize the relationship. Imagine that the newly married couple has their first serious fight, and one partner complains to a friend about their mate’s intransigence or tearfully confides in a loved one about how their partner has hurt them.

One emotional triangle that all pastors are familiar with is this: a parishioner says to the pastor, “Some people are saying that your sermons are too long/short/conservative/liberal/have too many stories/don’t have enough stories, etc.” This triangle is difficult because the pastor doesn’t even know who or what is the third point on the triangle.

What do you do when you are “triangled in?” Here is a good rule of thumb: you are responsible for your relationship with person A and for your relationship with person B, but you aren’t responsible for their relationship with each other. Most of your efforts to fix their problem will only make the problem worse. You can only change your relationships, not other people’s relationships, and the only way you change your relationships is by changing yourself.

As for anonymous feedback, which is a kind of emotional triangle, this is what I’ve settled on doing. I ask, “Who thinks my sermons are too long/short/conservative/liberal/have too many stories/don’t have enough stories, etc.?” Usually the response is, “I’m not at liberty to say.” If so, I reply, “I don’t receive anonymous feedback.” That puts the responsibility back on Person or Group A who has a complaint, and Person B, who is worried enough about their complaints to offload their anxiety on me.

But I do receive direct feedback, so if you have noticed areas for improvement, tell me, and we’ll talk.

Image: https://pixabay.com/vectors/traffic-sign-sign-160659/