The Secret to a Merry Christmas Is Low Expectations

            Our society raises our holiday expectations to dizzying heights. To have a Merry Christmas, we need to give and receive the perfect gifts. The meal and desserts need to be perfect. So do the decorations. Above all, we need to have the perfect family experience: an intergenerational affair in which parents, grandparents, and children delight in one another’s company, with a couple of well-behaved cats and a golden retriever lying by the fire. 

            Reality almost never meets expectations. Instead of the perfect gift, you might get socks this year, unless you wanted socks, in which case you won’t. Maybe your MAGA grandparent gets into a shouting match with your woke college sophomore. Perhaps your cats will climb the tree and topple it while your golden retriever eats his way through the wrapping paper.

            “The key to success is low expectations.” A colleague and mentor, the American Baptist pastor and author Margaret Marcuson, swears by this old saying. Has it occurred to you that lowering your expectations for the holidays, especially for other people, might increase your likelihood of having a Merry Christmas? Marcuson writes:

“When you want others to change, you are often chasing after them trying to get them to hear the message, and to take advantage of your wisdom and your good advice. Mostly, they don’t want to hear it.  You may have noticed that already. When my kids were teenagers, I tried to notice when their eyes glazed over and StopTalking. It helped. BTW, even if people do want to hear it or even ask for your advice, they still won’t change just because of your good suggestion.

“How to use your time and energy instead? Focus on yourself and what you think, believe, and want--for you. Do one thing toward your own goals, or simply do something you love. Isn’t that selfish? Not necessarily. When you are clear about your own purpose and values, you are in a position to be present with others in a more fully grounded way. You are clearer about the boundary between you and others. You are more able to allow them to make their own choices. That’s good for everyone.”

You cannot fix your cheap, argumentative relatives. You will never buy enough to please the advertisers. All you can do is love your family and friends as they are, and set your own standards for the good life, rather than accept the ones society wants to impose on us. I would add that the scriptures and the Good News are more reliable for shaping your goals and values than the carefully curated holiday homes in your Instagram feed.

Here is some scriptural wisdom that might keep us better grounded this year:

• “Actually, godliness is a great source of profit when it is combined with being happy with what you already have. We didn’t bring anything into the world and so we can’t take anything out of it: we’ll be happy with food and clothing” (1 Timothy 6:6-8).
• “Better to eat vegetables with people you love than to eat the finest meat where there is hate” (Proverbs 15:17).
• “Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly. Love one another warmly as Christians, and be eager to show respect for one another. Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times. Share your belongings with your needy fellow Christians, and open your homes to strangers” (Romans 12, selected verses).